The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
