You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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