oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
