does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i love accidental penises.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
