I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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