seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
