i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize