My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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