I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
