He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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