genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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