Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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