Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize