On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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