nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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