I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My life is pants optional.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
