Jerry, you need to find god
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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