he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize