1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
