the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
