No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
