Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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