Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
