I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
