Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
