phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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