Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
