you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
