my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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