we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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