Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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