neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
