y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize