Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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