i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
everyone is single if you try hard enough
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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