I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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