The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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