I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
