i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
