I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
