Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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