I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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