Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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