I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
