they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
