is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize