You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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