grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
two words...techno handjob
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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