The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize