I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My ass is underappreciated
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
