Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
