So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
