That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i came on her dog
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
