Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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