Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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