He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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