Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I would fuck him just for his dog
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