apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
