dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
