Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
