I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
