Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
