3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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