I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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