I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
im holly from the hills drunk
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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