i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
